the nectar of the dark gods

in honour of my impending departure from the caffeinated continent, i believe it is time for me to share my humble opinion of the product of some of canada's best known coffee kiosks. keep in mind it is still monday morning and if coffee cannot help me, then fate save us all.

the queen of court: starbucks

i was a late convert to the starbucks cult but since i have accepted it as my personal saviour, i have become all the more fervent a devotee. there is little else that can make me roll out of bed quicker than the thought of a large 'bold-roast' starbucks beverage (sadly, i'm the ugly american linguistically-illiterate cousin visiting europe in the ordering line as i still do not know which weird pseudo-italian title belongs to 'small bucket o'coffee' in the common parlance so i just kind of grunt and point to mr. biggie). oh starbucks. how i love thee. it took me so long to justify my love after spending many many moons in a university town that kept your culty freakishness outside of its borders. and i hated you too...i scoffed at your corporate bullshit masquerading as fair-equity practices. o sweet torture! my only love sprung from my only hate (editors note: this is actually decidedly NOT my only hate. me, i've got a lot of hates. but it sounds more dramatic to make it singular. plus plaguarising shakespeare is so original...i don't think anyone has ever done it before so i'm going to give it a try, see what happens)

i've tied my fate to yours now, corporate monster culty lovely little generic cafe builder. i'll shave my head and drink the koolaid if by koolaid, you mean highly caffeinated rich dark derivative of the coffee bean. hells yeah.

the mistress: second cup

in the aforementioned university town, second cup's monopoly was tolerated because it is ostensibly ' canadian-owned'. i guess we like it better when the corporate strangle-holders have canada flags on their backpacks even if their backpacks are evil and they bought their canadian flag icons from the land of evil. ahem. now, i'm not saying that second cup is merely a pretender to the jewel-encrusted throne of starbucks: i think she's got some tricks in her repertoire that the staid monarch wouldn't even dream of pulling out. big fan of the juice smoothie-like things and their cafe decors are much wackier...i'm talking about egyptian, pharoah and pyramids kind of shit. think starbucks would step up with the hieroglyphics? humpth - i think NOT. so little miss mistress is separate but damn close to equal. damn close. she's a sexy little CANADIAN version of the grand queen and i'm not disparaging her one little bit. oh no. when you're second - albeit a close second - best, you try harder. so i like second cup a good deal and as tribute, i bought my travel mug from them. then i would take it to starbucks and buy a coffee from them with it. thought i'd let them know they are not quite as secure as they might like to think they are. let them know that a sassy little minx like second cup might come close to usurping them someday should they drop their guard and rest on their laurels. keeps 'em on their toes.

the joker: tim hortons

people. tim hortons does not serve coffee. i don't know what it is they are serving in their coffee cups but it. is. not. coffee. i'm as big a fan of heavy haaaaaaa-vey full-fat cream as the next person but pouring such heavenly liquid into aniseed-flavoured water does not a coffee make. seriously. that shit is bizarre and perhaps most bizarre of all - tasty. double-doubles were one of my most frequent cravings while stuck out in the boonies for months at a time as a broke and desperate student (re: treeplanter) and it is still the beverage of choice for Tim Canterbury and I when we travel the long and large multi-freeways of southern ontario. of course, it kind of has to be as our options are a) plan ahead b) eat dirt or c) eat donuts and get jacked up on sugar at tim hortons. you don't have to know us very well to know the only real option there is c.

Tim Canterbury used to like them with 4 creams and 4 sugars before realising he would be a diabetic before 30 if he didn't stop punishing his 'coffee' so soundly with the hardcore stuff: 4x4s, he called them. oh, my manly man. but Tim's disturbing predilection does bring me to a point: any beverage that you can happily add that much cream and sugar to is not a tasty treat on its own. so. the joker of the palace - you like it a lot sometimes. maybe even love it. but everyday? no. not so much. there's a time and a place for tim hortons and the time where you need coffee - that's not the time for tims.

the illegitimate and malformed bastard child: timothys

every palace has a freaky mutant hiding somewhere in the corner play-acting like they are the real heir to the throne and that someday, SOMEDAY, they will get what is theirs. they engineer poorly conceived assassinations and are only tolerated by the rest of the royals because their [sigh] bloodlines are technically at least half blue. and that, my friends, is what timothys is to the coffee monarchy. bad, bad, bad. badly made, badly sold and badly priced for its craptastic taste. the closest coffee shop to my office is a timothys and i [shudder] tried to acquire a taste for it for months. finally. i conceded: timothys just sucks. their coffee tastes bad. i know - you would think that would be kind of the ante to get to the table. like, yeah - overpriced...you can see past it. soggy and nasty pastries? they are not unique in that (i'm looking at you, starbucks and second cup). but - bad coffee? you are...a coffee shop, right? ok. just checking...because that's. what. you. sell. and it tastes bad. so i don't want it. bastard-child. it's not like second cup...just content to wait around and be kind of cute and fun and eventually STAB the queen in her unsuspecting velvet-covered back and usurp her in a quick and dirty coup. noooo. timothys just lumps around looking all gross and matty, muttering to itself about the injustice of it all and glaring one-eyed at all who try to help it on its way to the throne. eep. not even heavy cream - hell, not even butter - can help you.