a partial list of things i simply will not tolerate

for you nattie-cat. because it simply must be done.

1. using the last toilet paper square in your office bathroom and not replacing it even though there are less than 10 people of your gender in the office and the people who do replace the roll know who you are and hate you more and more everytime they have to do the we've been sighted by the enemy in the nighttime jungle squat and scurry with pants around ankles to the replacement toilet paper closet which is OUTSIDE the bathroom and hence, a necessity to pass when you deliberately left the entire bathroom bereft of the dignity-saving tissue when dignity is all i had left.

2. speed-spurt urban cyclists who feel the need to race to get ahead of you by cutting you off in the non-existent bike lanes on major traffic arteries, only to wear off their wheaties just as suddenly and start biking like an 80 year old with only one remaining hip. it's just bizarre - and rude - but more bizarre. it's like some primary call of darwinian evolution is pushing pushing pushing them to be the fittest specimen but then...maaaugh. just. too. tired. to. pedal. until the next stop light, that is. then - zoom zoom......maugh.

3. lying in the course of small talk for no discernible reason. example? okay:

'hey reggie, have you seen that new film playing in the theatre right now?'
'yes archie. i loved that film. it was a cinematic triumph.'
'but..i haven't even told you what it was called.'
'i know. i...know. i loved it though. it was really good.'
'i know. i loved it too.'

note: i don't hate it when ambo-tougher-than-rambo does this because then i think it's funny - largely because she lies to complete strangers about large portions of our family history including her name and country of birth and once she told me she didn't think she could stop. so i think that's funny - and also, pathological.

4. jokes that will not die. especially in the context of the office and double especially when both people know it is just so painfully unfunny now but can't stop building on it because they have absolutely nothing else to talk about and so if they don't keep referring back to their shared 'joke', they will be stuck with staring at each other's stray facial hairs and occasionally blinking. this is a large part of why in my waitressing career, i desperately hated my regular clients. even when i liked them, i still hated them because i knew - just knew - eventually something would happen that wouldn't be funny per se but would be remarkable in the literal sense of the word and then our entire relationship from that moment forward would be based solely on rehashing that incident with not-so-clever reference and innuendo.

and those are some of things that will for eternity not be ok with me.